TW: Self-harm, rape, homophobia, transphobia
Hello, everyone that reads this!
So. This isn’t a particularly happy note, and for that I apologize now. Thing is… life at home has become unbearably difficult for me.
I’ll give you a little insight on who I am.
I’m 17 years old, born in San Diego, lived in Kenya for 4 years of my life, and I’m currently back in San Diego. I’m a senior in high school this year, though I shouldn’t be, considering I’m a year behind in school due to multiple hospitalizations and severe depression and anxiety. My depression was so bad, that at one point, I couldn’t function properly on my own. I couldn’t get up and change, or brush my teeth in the morning. Showers consisted of just standing in the water, sometimes fully clothed. I would literally cry myself to sleep at night, and sometimes I still do. It’s been only a year since I was at that point. During that time, my parents took me out of the country to Kenya again, and I was literally imprisoned in my home for 2 months. During that period of time, I was psychologically abused by my parents (without their realization of them doing so). It was some of the worst 2 months of my life. I’d never felt that alone, and hurt. I was so broken. I ended up cutting all of my hair off, and self-harming to the point that my arm was completely covered in blood, and dripping on the floor. My father hit me multiple times that night, and told me he wanted to send me to an African mental institution and leave me to die. I lost all love and respect for my father that night. I had also come out to my family as a lesbian during that time (out of anger), and it was not taken well by my parents. My sisters are the only two people in my life that have always been supportive of my decisions, and who I am as a person. I was also recently on a trip to Costa Rica, where I came out to the mentors as a transman, and they came out to my mother for me. Since I’ve gotten home (I was sent home early because of my depression), my mother has been increasingly hostile towards me.
When I was 13 years old I was brutally raped, and witnessed the murder of someone I was trying to help that night. It took me 2 years to be able to talk about it, and tell my parents. My mother has repeatedly victim-blamed me, and continues to make hurtful comments about what happened that night. Her attitude has become increasingly negative as I get older, and mature, and make my own decisions. Her constant negativity towards me has become something that’s building up suicidal thoughts in me again; something I haven’t felt in quite some time now. The buildup of tension between my parents and I has been going on since we initially moved to Kenya, and it’s becoming worse ever since.
It’s now at the point where I can’t stand living at home anymore, I can’t take it. I know I need to get out of this fucking house, or I’m bound to either end up in the hospital severely injured, or dead. I cannot stand my parents. I cannot love them anymore. I try so hard to find a place in me that will, but I can’t anymore. I’m so exhausted by all of this shit they’re piling on me. I need to leave, I need this for myself. I have no money, I have no place to stay. My only source of income right now is selling buddhist prayer beads, and I haven’t made a sale in 3 months now. Other than that, there’s nothing. I have no income whatsoever, and I desperately need a place to go. I have friends that are willing to take me in, but I can’t bring myself to accept their offer without being able to contribute in some way or another (rent, groceries, etc.)
This is THE last thing I want to do, honestly… but it’s gotten to the point that, this is my only option left. I’m so, so, so, sorry, and so ashamed to be asking such a thing, but… fuck, I’m in desperate need of money to get out of this horrible situation I’m in. Honestly, everything I’ve written here, is only half of what I’ve been going through. I’m so overwhelmed with everything right now, that I can’t even think beyond it. I just. Oh, god, I can’t believe I’m asking this of any of you but; donations. I would be so appreciative of receiving donations to help me get on my feet, and on my own, I would be forever grateful, and forever in your debt if you could contribute as much as you can, or signal boost if anything. I am so desperate at this point. I hate myself for asking this, I really do. :/
Or, maybe not even a donation, if you want to buy prayer beads, tell me, my website is www.seryve.com, but don’t purchase from it directly, let me know which one you want (my cart isn’t set up properly yet).
I don’t even know. I just need help. I hate asking for help, I hate asking for money, especially from people I don’t even know. I’m just at the point that.. this is my only option left.
I’m really sorry I’m asking, but thank you so much for at least reading this, it means so much to me.
guys, please. i love xayn a ridiculous amount: he’s one of the most amazing people i’ve ever met. it kills me that i can’t just fly him out here to stay with me, but if there’s anything you can contribute, it’d mean the world to both of us.